Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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