Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
