Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
