my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
