You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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