I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
