So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
