i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
