i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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