it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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