Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
