I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
