if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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