I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
