i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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