Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
