Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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