Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
