This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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