There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
