I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
