I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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