Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
