I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
