I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
