my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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