Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My life is pants optional.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
