Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
