So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
