I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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