i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
