Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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