WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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