the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
