Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
