I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
