It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
