We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
