You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
