then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
