Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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