i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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