you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
