Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
