??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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