I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
