please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
