I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
