When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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