I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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