I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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