So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
